if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
