i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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