The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Randomize
