Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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