I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
