so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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