dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Randomize
