I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
