Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
