By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
