Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
