I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
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