Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm at about main and main street
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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