sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
