Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
