just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize