there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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