He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
