You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
