And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
