She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
