$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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