Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize