so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
