you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
