dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
