then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Randomize
