Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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