Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
