dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Randomize
