When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
