My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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