You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
