you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
