my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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