Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
