I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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