Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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