take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize