i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize