Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
