I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
