You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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