i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
