you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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