Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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