you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
A+ Viking dick
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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