I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
