Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
