Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
