it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
