in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Randomize
