I wannas sexs uuuuu
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
