He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Dicks are not precious.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
