apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
