dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Are we still banned from the library?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
