All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize