two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
