why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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